{Good News, Bad News and...Good News}

I have good news and bad news...and a little bit more good news.

The good news is that we got pregnant. It was a GLORIOUS miracle!

We started seeing a new doctor at the Reproductive Care Center in Sandy, Utah and we got pregnant on our first try with this office, doing a Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

It was a REALLY cool story, how I found out, and how I surprised Ben to tell him the news.

I'd been telling close friends and it has been so much fun. Its been really touching how excited people have been for us. I was super excited to tell everyone next week at 10 weeks.

We've been SO excited planning for our baby. We got pre-approved to buy a house. We were thinking about next Spring and how that would work for our school schedules and having an infant. We'd just started to think about child care possibilities, and planning family fun for the end of Summer. It was great. 

And then there was bad news.

Yesterday we went in for our first prenatal appointment. All went well until the ultrasound. She had a hard time seeing a baby at all. She mentioned my uterus looked small. She said she wanted me to drink two glasses of water, wait about 20 minutes and then re-scan so they could get a better view (a full bladder apparently helps with this). 

She came back and re-scanned without luck. She said she had one of the doctors standing by to do a proper interior ultrasound if I wanted it. We chose to proceed. At that point I had already started preparing myself for bad news.

As we were looking at the screen, we saw our little fetus. The doctor said it looked small. She took a measurement and said it was only measuring 6 weeks, but we were supposed to be 9 weeks.

I immediately started looking for a little flutter of a heartbeat, but didn't see one. I knew right then and the tears started. 

Then the shock set in and we cried...a lot. 

I have been so concerned for Ben. He wants so much to be a daddy.

I took the rest of the day off yesterday and we went home and just held each other to feel sad and try to cope.

Yesterday they said all of this doesn't mean there is absolutely no heartbeat and they would like to re-scan me next week to double-check, but its not looking good. I am the kind of person that I need a definite answer. I know in my heart we've lost our baby and I'm ready to move on.

***Since I posted this earlier today we have learned that I will need to have a D&C. The blood work I gave after we found out the news yesterday confirmed my HCG levels stopped progressing and our baby is gone. On a funny note: A couple of my co-workers swore for me today at work when I told them the news. I busted up laughing. Swearing is just NOT something you hear in our work culture at the the church. I really needed that moment :).

How is today going?

Well...I have let myself grieve when I need to, but I've already started to feel God's love and assurance of His awareness of our situation. Looking at our situation, this may feel sudden, but I KNOW He is with us. 

The obvious reaction to tragic news is, "WHY!!!?" and to maybe shut God out and feel angry. Don't get me wrong, I felt that and expressed that last night, but today is a new day. The pain hasn't gone away, but I feel I can deal with it now. It is hard to explain, but I know I matter to Him. I know He absolutely loves Ben and He wants to bless us with children. 

So what is the good news?

This morning I was looking at my desktop background and saw the little blue blossoms of the flowers called "forget-me-nots". 

I was reminded of a powerful talk given by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, entitled ironically, "Forget Me Not".

The sweet feeling of peace washed over me and I was reminded of God's perfect love for me and my imperfectness. 

Even in the middle of this heart-breaking trial Ben and I are going through, God has blessed me to remember I am valuable, and a cherished child of God. He knows me. He is aware of me and He loves me. 

With that very simple testimony which I have, the hurt doesn't hurt as much as it did.

I know I have the responsibility to share that love with all of you and with everyone around me. I have my part to play, as we all do. My little baby had a part to play and has its own path, whether here or in heaven.

As we discover who we are and recognize our worth, we call down the blessings of heaven to guide us and comfort us. We get to trust God and see the bigger picture. We have been blessed with a knowledge that this life is so much more than our mortality. 

Another beautiful reminder of these truths for me today, came from the song, in the new movie, "Meet the Mormons" coming out, entitled, "Glorious", sung by David Archuleta. You can download it here for free. 

My prayer is that all of you, no matter what you are going through will understand how valuable you are in God's plan. 

Thank you all for your love for us. We love you right back :)

{We Need Kids}

Have you ever noticed when you buy a new car that all of a sudden you see your exact same car EVERYWHERE?

Yeah...me too.

On a somewhat, maybe not similar note...we've been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half and of course it seems like EVERYONE is pregnant and having babies...except us.

SAD FACE

Its in my head, isn't it? 

Logically I know not EVERYONE is pregnant. I really do.

About two months ago I had a dream about a dark haired baby boy that was given to us. 

Four days later we were approached by a friend who wondered if we'd be interested in adopting a baby that needed a home. We sure were...but she changed her mind. Good for her, sad for us.

After that we even attended an adoption orientation, and only a week later they went out of the adoption business...to focus on the counseling business. True story (thanks LDS Family Services).

I've been tested for potential issues and so far all is well. No concerns in that department.

We've tried IUI (artificial insemination). 

Ben had surgery to help increase our chances.

We've been/are part of an infertility study.

Our good friends have prayed and fasted with us.

We've prayed our little hearts out.

A friend offered his attorney services to help should we need one to complete an adoption.

In two weeks we will be meeting with a new clinic and a new doctor.

Will we try IUI again or are we going to jump to IVF (In Vitro Fertilization)? 

IVF will cost us close to $20,000, but we'll do it.

Lots and lots of decisions to be made, but we know we want to be parents of more than just a cat or two.

Our nephew, Baby Jonas

Ben is thinking about starting a "GoFundMe" account for us so our friends and family can contribute to our treatment. 

I feel really weird about that though.

Do you have any thoughts on that? Is that too weird? Have you heard of anyone doing that before?

I'm all over the place on this.

Lead me, guide me.

{A Reminder to Myself}

For over a year we've been struggling with infertility. I am the first to acknowledge that this is not an uncommon problem anymore. I know many women who have or who are going through this trial.

I've felt very strong, regardless of this trial, and pretty open about our situation this last year.

I mean, we haven't had our heart broken as long as these other couples who waited years, and in some cases, are still waiting to add to their family.

I've felt angry wondering why a baby hasn't happened to us or speculating if maybe God knew something we didn't and decided a child would be in much better hands in any family but this one. I've wondered if I'm just too old (a whopping 36). I've said mean words at my husband blaming him saying maybe he just didn't want it enough.

Obviously I've let this process get the better of me and my faith in God. I've let it consume me and turn me into a crazy person, especially the last two weeks, and again yesterday when another failed attempt became clear.

One of my friends who recently became pregnant after several years of trying, a few miscarriages and a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, blogged about her realization that maybe, just maybe after all of the bending of God's ear and prayers, maybe it just was not the right TIME for THIS little spirit to be here YET and who was she to dictate the plan for this new little life waiting to come down?

I keep thinking about that and find comfort in it.

I've let the statistics of my age and remaining chances for a baby create fear and a sense of urgency and panic in my heart.

Sometimes I'm not always sure I'm ready for this child. I don't love the place we live in. Financially I don't have what I want to give her. Spiritually speaking, her parents could use a kick in the hiney, and I just don't know where our life is going and there are so many unanswered questions regarding our path that will obviously involve her someday. Maybe mentally I'm too scared and I'm creating this mess.

BUT...

...maybe just maybe Heavenly Father loves Ben and I enough that he is granting us a little bit more time to polish ourselves up, gain confidence in His love, trust His process, and become the people we really want to be and like it or not, this is a BLESSING that is for our own good.

Yeah. I think that just might be it.

I've been reading the blog of a church member who became the victim of both infidelity and murder when her husband was shot by his lover's husband, all unbeknownst to her. She is left here to raise her 5 children and teach them the gospel of forgiveness, despite her own grief and process to live that teaching herself.

I want to share a piece of her blog which I believe we can all relate to when it comes to questioning our disappointments in life:

Speaking from God's perspective she writes:

"I can see that in this moment you can't feel me... but I am here waiting for you to let me in."  

For every time I pushed him away..... he was sending gentle reminders for me to know that he hadn't deserted me. He was still there... and all I had to do was let him in. When I slowed down and really listened... his love was every where. The words to this song spoke that truth to me once more.... "You are not alone.... I am still right here." 

Those times when we feel like we have been given every chance in the world to let him in... but we haven't let ourselves take them.... they aren't over. Even if you have denied those impressions every day of your life... your opportunity has not passed you by. Satan wants you to think that who you are right now, is all that you can become. He wants you to doubt yourself. He wants you to doubt your faith. He wants you to deny those gentle reminders of Christ's love. He encourages us to give up on our dreams. He wants us to stay right where we are.... and be content with "good enough". He wants you to feel satisfaction in being comfortable.... to not push on to a better day. He doesn't want you to put others above yourself. He wants you to enjoy whatever compulsion sounds fun in the moment. He wants you to view yourself as the exception. He hopes you look down on others from a pedestal. He wants you to believe you are a little bit better than everyone else. But then.... he hopes that you see yourself as worthless, as unworthy, and forgotten. He will find your weaknesses and insecurities every day... and make sure that they are drilled in your mind... until you just give up the fight. He wants you to hand over all your power to the things that try to bring you down. He is happy to take it into his own hands. He wants you to lose everything you ever loved.... He wants you to fall on your face.... and when you do... he walks away. His plan was simple.... If we followed him we would never feel pain... but that same plan would leave us without joy. His plan was fool proof.... but that is what makes our lives now so special. We didn't want simple. We wanted to grow. We wanted to come to earth to progress. We didn't walk away with Satan because we saw our potential in ourselves then... and Christ still sees all of it in us now. 

He is wanting to hear your voice... he is patiently sending you sign after sign that he is waiting for your love... and while he waits.... he has a love for you beyond any measure you can comprehend. And it's there without strings attached, and without expectations. It is there regardless of the messes you have made, the choices you have screwed up... even the shots you have taken. He loves us all.

Even if you have never even spoken his name. He knows YOURS. He hears your heart and he sees all of the goodness that you ARE inside. He has seen every footprint you have made in the sand of your life. He has watched through the hard times... he has seen all the joy. But those moments when you felt like he has left you alone, and you look back and only see one set of footprints leading down your path... it is not because he has left you alone. It is because he was carrying you through. "

From www.themomentswestand.blogspot.com , January 30, 2014