{A Reminder to Myself}

For over a year we've been struggling with infertility. I am the first to acknowledge that this is not an uncommon problem anymore. I know many women who have or who are going through this trial.

I've felt very strong, regardless of this trial, and pretty open about our situation this last year.

I mean, we haven't had our heart broken as long as these other couples who waited years, and in some cases, are still waiting to add to their family.

I've felt angry wondering why a baby hasn't happened to us or speculating if maybe God knew something we didn't and decided a child would be in much better hands in any family but this one. I've wondered if I'm just too old (a whopping 36). I've said mean words at my husband blaming him saying maybe he just didn't want it enough.

Obviously I've let this process get the better of me and my faith in God. I've let it consume me and turn me into a crazy person, especially the last two weeks, and again yesterday when another failed attempt became clear.

One of my friends who recently became pregnant after several years of trying, a few miscarriages and a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, blogged about her realization that maybe, just maybe after all of the bending of God's ear and prayers, maybe it just was not the right TIME for THIS little spirit to be here YET and who was she to dictate the plan for this new little life waiting to come down?

I keep thinking about that and find comfort in it.

I've let the statistics of my age and remaining chances for a baby create fear and a sense of urgency and panic in my heart.

Sometimes I'm not always sure I'm ready for this child. I don't love the place we live in. Financially I don't have what I want to give her. Spiritually speaking, her parents could use a kick in the hiney, and I just don't know where our life is going and there are so many unanswered questions regarding our path that will obviously involve her someday. Maybe mentally I'm too scared and I'm creating this mess.

BUT...

...maybe just maybe Heavenly Father loves Ben and I enough that he is granting us a little bit more time to polish ourselves up, gain confidence in His love, trust His process, and become the people we really want to be and like it or not, this is a BLESSING that is for our own good.

Yeah. I think that just might be it.

I've been reading the blog of a church member who became the victim of both infidelity and murder when her husband was shot by his lover's husband, all unbeknownst to her. She is left here to raise her 5 children and teach them the gospel of forgiveness, despite her own grief and process to live that teaching herself.

I want to share a piece of her blog which I believe we can all relate to when it comes to questioning our disappointments in life:

Speaking from God's perspective she writes:

"I can see that in this moment you can't feel me... but I am here waiting for you to let me in."  

For every time I pushed him away..... he was sending gentle reminders for me to know that he hadn't deserted me. He was still there... and all I had to do was let him in. When I slowed down and really listened... his love was every where. The words to this song spoke that truth to me once more.... "You are not alone.... I am still right here." 

Those times when we feel like we have been given every chance in the world to let him in... but we haven't let ourselves take them.... they aren't over. Even if you have denied those impressions every day of your life... your opportunity has not passed you by. Satan wants you to think that who you are right now, is all that you can become. He wants you to doubt yourself. He wants you to doubt your faith. He wants you to deny those gentle reminders of Christ's love. He encourages us to give up on our dreams. He wants us to stay right where we are.... and be content with "good enough". He wants you to feel satisfaction in being comfortable.... to not push on to a better day. He doesn't want you to put others above yourself. He wants you to enjoy whatever compulsion sounds fun in the moment. He wants you to view yourself as the exception. He hopes you look down on others from a pedestal. He wants you to believe you are a little bit better than everyone else. But then.... he hopes that you see yourself as worthless, as unworthy, and forgotten. He will find your weaknesses and insecurities every day... and make sure that they are drilled in your mind... until you just give up the fight. He wants you to hand over all your power to the things that try to bring you down. He is happy to take it into his own hands. He wants you to lose everything you ever loved.... He wants you to fall on your face.... and when you do... he walks away. His plan was simple.... If we followed him we would never feel pain... but that same plan would leave us without joy. His plan was fool proof.... but that is what makes our lives now so special. We didn't want simple. We wanted to grow. We wanted to come to earth to progress. We didn't walk away with Satan because we saw our potential in ourselves then... and Christ still sees all of it in us now. 

He is wanting to hear your voice... he is patiently sending you sign after sign that he is waiting for your love... and while he waits.... he has a love for you beyond any measure you can comprehend. And it's there without strings attached, and without expectations. It is there regardless of the messes you have made, the choices you have screwed up... even the shots you have taken. He loves us all.

Even if you have never even spoken his name. He knows YOURS. He hears your heart and he sees all of the goodness that you ARE inside. He has seen every footprint you have made in the sand of your life. He has watched through the hard times... he has seen all the joy. But those moments when you felt like he has left you alone, and you look back and only see one set of footprints leading down your path... it is not because he has left you alone. It is because he was carrying you through. "

From www.themomentswestand.blogspot.com , January 30, 2014