{Good News, Bad News and...Good News}

I have good news and bad news...and a little bit more good news.

The good news is that we got pregnant. It was a GLORIOUS miracle!

We started seeing a new doctor at the Reproductive Care Center in Sandy, Utah and we got pregnant on our first try with this office, doing a Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

It was a REALLY cool story, how I found out, and how I surprised Ben to tell him the news.

I'd been telling close friends and it has been so much fun. Its been really touching how excited people have been for us. I was super excited to tell everyone next week at 10 weeks.

We've been SO excited planning for our baby. We got pre-approved to buy a house. We were thinking about next Spring and how that would work for our school schedules and having an infant. We'd just started to think about child care possibilities, and planning family fun for the end of Summer. It was great. 

And then there was bad news.

Yesterday we went in for our first prenatal appointment. All went well until the ultrasound. She had a hard time seeing a baby at all. She mentioned my uterus looked small. She said she wanted me to drink two glasses of water, wait about 20 minutes and then re-scan so they could get a better view (a full bladder apparently helps with this). 

She came back and re-scanned without luck. She said she had one of the doctors standing by to do a proper interior ultrasound if I wanted it. We chose to proceed. At that point I had already started preparing myself for bad news.

As we were looking at the screen, we saw our little fetus. The doctor said it looked small. She took a measurement and said it was only measuring 6 weeks, but we were supposed to be 9 weeks.

I immediately started looking for a little flutter of a heartbeat, but didn't see one. I knew right then and the tears started. 

Then the shock set in and we cried...a lot. 

I have been so concerned for Ben. He wants so much to be a daddy.

I took the rest of the day off yesterday and we went home and just held each other to feel sad and try to cope.

Yesterday they said all of this doesn't mean there is absolutely no heartbeat and they would like to re-scan me next week to double-check, but its not looking good. I am the kind of person that I need a definite answer. I know in my heart we've lost our baby and I'm ready to move on.

***Since I posted this earlier today we have learned that I will need to have a D&C. The blood work I gave after we found out the news yesterday confirmed my HCG levels stopped progressing and our baby is gone. On a funny note: A couple of my co-workers swore for me today at work when I told them the news. I busted up laughing. Swearing is just NOT something you hear in our work culture at the the church. I really needed that moment :).

How is today going?

Well...I have let myself grieve when I need to, but I've already started to feel God's love and assurance of His awareness of our situation. Looking at our situation, this may feel sudden, but I KNOW He is with us. 

The obvious reaction to tragic news is, "WHY!!!?" and to maybe shut God out and feel angry. Don't get me wrong, I felt that and expressed that last night, but today is a new day. The pain hasn't gone away, but I feel I can deal with it now. It is hard to explain, but I know I matter to Him. I know He absolutely loves Ben and He wants to bless us with children. 

So what is the good news?

This morning I was looking at my desktop background and saw the little blue blossoms of the flowers called "forget-me-nots". 

I was reminded of a powerful talk given by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, entitled ironically, "Forget Me Not".

The sweet feeling of peace washed over me and I was reminded of God's perfect love for me and my imperfectness. 

Even in the middle of this heart-breaking trial Ben and I are going through, God has blessed me to remember I am valuable, and a cherished child of God. He knows me. He is aware of me and He loves me. 

With that very simple testimony which I have, the hurt doesn't hurt as much as it did.

I know I have the responsibility to share that love with all of you and with everyone around me. I have my part to play, as we all do. My little baby had a part to play and has its own path, whether here or in heaven.

As we discover who we are and recognize our worth, we call down the blessings of heaven to guide us and comfort us. We get to trust God and see the bigger picture. We have been blessed with a knowledge that this life is so much more than our mortality. 

Another beautiful reminder of these truths for me today, came from the song, in the new movie, "Meet the Mormons" coming out, entitled, "Glorious", sung by David Archuleta. You can download it here for free. 

My prayer is that all of you, no matter what you are going through will understand how valuable you are in God's plan. 

Thank you all for your love for us. We love you right back :)